Much in relationships remains unspoken, we think we know, we assume, and then we end up in conflict. Why didn’t we ask? They no longer want their regular order, why didn’t they say …
Approaching retirement is another time when things can be unspoken. We know in our head how we see the future and we assume our partner thinks and feels the same.
If you have spent long working days with travel and time away, your partner may think that retirement will see you spending much more time at home, and with them. But this may not match up with your thoughts and plans.
Our views on retirement can depend on our working life.
If you have had a mentally or physically demanding job you can see retirement as a time to take things easy. More time to rest and potter. You may say things like ‘I’ve earned this’ and you may expect your partner to want to sleep in longer, have a leisurely breakfast and a stroll in the afternoon …
All good if your partner feels the same way. But what if your partner also had a stressful job but sees retirement from that job as a chance to do different work?
They may move on to a couple of lower paid but interesting jobs, or combine a part time job with volunteering or a return to study. They see life after getting their pension from work as a chance to explore new areas. It may include meeting friends for coffee, going to yoga classes etc. Overall having a quite full-on day, but one where they are in control and have chosen.
This second option isn’t better, just different.
It’s good when we are aligned and have a shared vision. Perhaps you both want to buy a camper van and head off travelling, or you move to a house with land and want to focus on gardening and creating a wood. Perhaps you both want to spend time on fitness and with friends, and some of this will be done together, other times alone.
The more I read on this subject for my doctorate, the more I found out about the importance of friendship and relationships. How our health is improved by people contact and friends. For many this need is met through their job, but as much as we say that we will stay in touch, leaving work can mean friendships slide. That’s one of the reasons to develop extra interests before you formally retire.
Have you shared your vision?
If you want to keep a happy relationship it is important to both take time to talk about your future and to see you to make things work for you. Looking back, how did you make choices for holidays, home improvement and redecorating. Was it the decision of one person, and how was that for the other one?
Do you want to continue like this or do you see the future as finally the time that you can be you, which may not align with your partner?
My partner has a physically demanding job and has a need to relax at weekends and on holiday. My preference is to be more active, and to go on adventures. But I’m working at my computer so have a lot more energy at the end of each day. This is why each year I’ll have adventures on my own and we will also do things together.
What does relaxing mean to you?
To me it could be to curl up on the sofa and lose myself in the book, to have quiet time where I can go inwards. I might keep a notebook and pen handy in case I have any thoughts. It also includes lying in my hammock, seeing the wind move the branches and watching the leaves move.
To someone else it could be scrolling through social media and sharing ‘funny’ videos, but humour is so very subjective. And this can lead to tension.
What drives you?
It also helps to think about what drives us … we learn so much from childhood. My parents ran a shoe shop together, were always busy and my sister and I learned that idleness was a go-no.
Doing a vision quest where I had 4 days and nights to do nothing except pay attention to nature was hard to begin, but I was able to slow down and I now find it much easier to ‘just be’ when out in nature.
It can be frustrating for someone when they want to sit and relax and you are on the go. And they may start to absorb your message that they should be busy, and this leads to annoyance and possible conflict. Remember we are all driven differently and people have different preferences.
Will the relationship survive?
The Health and Retirement Study, a large-scale national research project now in its 32nd year, found that an unhappy marriage predicts unhappiness in retirement more than declines in wealth or even health.
Couples who encourage each other to try new things cope better with the transition. It’s a big change, and both people need to be up for change.
Making it work
We don’t have to be aligned. We don’t need to do everything together. We can see our life like a Venn diagram, with each having their own interests, which can include sitting on the veranda drinking coffee, but also to identify things you want to do together.
It helps to come up with some ideas to discuss, with both happily listening to the other. We can perhaps before retirement take it in turn to decide on our weekend activities/ non activities and see how it feels to perhaps stay at home and read rather than to fill the day with activity.
We are all responsible for our own happiness.
Sometimes realising we have different visions can be the jolt for counselling or looking for how to make friends. Generally, women have more friends than men, but I know many females who focused on work to the detriment of friendships. Perhaps if there is a gap, people need to develop friendships and perhaps a man may need to get involved with other men at a similar stage in life – men in sheds can be an option to consider.
I’d love to know how this resonates with you. Did you / will you have the conversation? How have your interests aligned, are you doing more things together? Do you have any advice for others? I’d love to hear from you.
The Health and Retirement Study: https://hrs.isr.umich.edu/about
Thanks for this, Denise! I have been retired a year and a half, and my husband will likely retire in another 6 months or so. I have been making assumptions about what that will look like, and you've made me realize we need to have that conversation!